Do we really know what we'd love?

When I tell folks that I change lives by “supporting people to create what they love”, I usually get something like, “but I don’t know what I would love?”  I totally understand this feeling of ‘not knowing’ because that is exactly where I was 6 years ago.  Today, I get the most joy from watching someone connect back to and do what they love most.

Despite all of my professional success,  I knew I wanted more from life. I just didn't know what that was.  A lot of my time was spent seeking the answer: going to self- development workshops, trying to ‘be the best version of me’.  I was so fed up of nothing really changing. All I seemed to do was uncover more things I needed to work on.  I was so tired of hearing ‘you do know what you want’ and ‘just follow your heart’ without any real guidance on HOW to connect to it.  
 
Deep down we do know what we want, but we don’t allow ourselves to see it. We keep it buried.  Unfortunately, just being told that ‘we do know it’ without understanding  why we can’t see it, doesn't serve us to know any better!
 
We hide the truth of what we love from ourselves because we are trying to protect ourselves from pain.  Over the years, when I’ve dug deep with myself and others, I’ve repeatedly seen three main reasons why we don’t know we want.

1. We don’t believe it’s possible for us to have it 
Most people live in a paradigm where they create based on their circumstances and not what they would love. They put all the power into the circumstances: internal(we don’t think we are capable of creating what we love) or external (things outside of us that prevent us from creating).  When we don’t believe that it is possible, our focus, time and energy is spent trying to fix ourselves and  circumstances rather than owning and going for what we would love.  

2. It doesn’t fit our image of what we should want  
We may have been told over and over again what we should want  (our parents, friends and society’s version of what success looks like).  We may feel that what we want is not good enough or accepted enough. Essentially, we are not allowed to want it and fear the judgement of saying what we want.  It becomes easier to not know what we want so we can avoid the judgement of others. 
 
3. There would be negative consequences if we were to have it 
We may believe we will lose what we have if we create something we want, or we are being ‘selfish’ and we will be judged.  We may feel that we can’t ‘have it all’ so if we create one thing we will have to give up something else.  It becomes easier to avoid what we want, to prevent guilt and pain.
 
As humans, we are hardwired to avoid pain.  And who wants to feel the pain of owning, let alone expressing, what you would love when it feels impossible, there will be judgement for wanting it or to face consequences if you have it.  When we are grappling with this inner turmoil, is it any wonder it’s simply easier to “not know” what we would love?
 
If all you’re trying to do in life is avoid pain, you will never be able to create what you truly love.
 
In the words of  Joseph Campbell,  “pain is inherent in life, suffering is optional". Of course, it’s painful when we fail, when something doesn't work, when we don’t think we can create something, when someone tells us that we are wrong.  However, trying to avoid pain causes us to live  limited lives. Suffering is when we allow that pain to mean something about us - that we are  failures who will never be enough, etc. 

Allowing pain into our lives, yet refusing to allow it to become suffering will allow us to blossom and create what we want in our lives. 
 
It was when I let go of what I thought I should want (traditional success, high paid job, recognition, a fancy car, financial freedom and passive income), stopped trying to ‘fix’ myself,  started listening to my Spirit and embraced creative tension that I started to uncover what brought me the most joy in life.
 
I encourage you to take a moment to:

• Ask yourself – if you could wave a magic wand and have what you love (no guilt…no downside… it’s all possible … just for its own sake… for the pure joy of it…), what would that be? 
• Own it.  Choose it for yourself - without needing to know how you will create it (The HOW)
• Feel the tension - notice the disparity between what you want and what you have now. Notice what your rational mind starts to tell you!  Notice all the stories it has for you about why it’s not possible, what circumstances stop you, what your limitations are, what bad things would happen if you had it, who would have to get hurt in the process.  Be aware of the stories you tell yourself – as if they were real, without questioning their validity. Notice the feelings that arise within you.  How you want to make yourself feel better? (your strategies for resolving tension)   
• Keep owning it anyway!  Tension is necessary for creation. If you resolve your tension to feel better, you will continue along the same old pathways.

I am still discovering things I love and want in my life.   Sometimes I still don’t allow myself to see what I would truly love because I don’t believe it’s possible. This is an ongoing process for all of us. 

So, create a new habit of asking what you would love and owning the answer.   Learn to appreciate the tension that arises.  Take a breath and ask yourself frequently, in all different situations, “what would I love?”