Is Your CAGE damaging your relationships?

It's February and with Valentine's Day just around the corner, I thought it would be appropriate for us to look at how we show up in relationships.  Being able to share the human experience with others is one of the most beautiful aspects of life.  But as with everything, our CAGE and Spirt both have a perspective on how we exist and who we are in our relationships.

When in our CAGE, we believe we are incomplete and in need of fixing.  Our drive to stay safe tells us we need to fix ourselves and become complete and we can look to our relationships to complete ourselves.

When we define ourselves incomplete, we believe we need the relationship to give us what is missing from ourselves. We are seeking validation from the other person. Although this can happen in any type of relationship (parent, boss, authority), the extreme form of this belief is amplified in a romantic relationship.  We actually may believe that we need this other person to ‘complete’ us.

Society has done an excellent job of brainwashing us to believe we are not complete until we find our ‘better half’.  Every Disney Princess is in search of her Prince, love songs (even the happy ones) drive this message home and some of the most celebrated movies have historic lines that validate this message of incompleteness as totally normal. 

“You complete me” – Jerry McGuire

“You make me want to be a better man” – As Good as it Gets

In early times, it was mandatory to have this type of relationship for survival.  But we have long moved past the days of cave living!

Think for a moment about the horrible messages this is giving to your subconscious mind: “You are not good enough on your own”, “you are not whole on your own”, “You are not enough on your own”, “You need fixing”.  If any of our friends, in a romantic relationship, were receiving these messages from their partner we would say “dump him/her immediately”!   But the truth is, these are the exact messages we are giving ourselves.  No wonder we are all searching for our other half.  We are in the most abusive relationship…with ourselves.

When seeking completeness, we will seek relationships that provide the rush of dopamine and endorphins that provide an experience of ‘love’, yet it is actually infatuation.  And, infatuation can be so intense that it is addictive. 

Def infatuation: 

• an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something

Once it wears off for us, we feel that we have fallen ‘out of love’ and begin seeking again to find the person who will make us complete.  We can also become addicted to having someone infatuated with us.

Our ego’s need to validate that we are good enough: “If I’m good enough for this person to have all these feelings about me (to be thinking about me constantly and to define everything in relation to me), then I must be good enough.  As soon as infatuation has worn off for our partner (which is a totally normal occurrence), we are immediately left feeling empty and incomplete, seeking validation again.

Co-dependent Relationships

This all leads to the most common dysfunctional relationship type; Co-dependency.

In a co-dependent relationship, you've unconsciously made a bargain to fill the pieces that each other feels is incomplete. This can often lead to initial intense attraction, particularly in romantic and friendship relationships.  In this type of co-dependency, we identify that the other person holds the pieces that complete or validate you.   You may change yourself in order to fit what you believe they want.  I’ve known people who have taken on their partners hobbies, opinions, problems all in an attempt to keep what they believe they need

Whilst the most common dysfunctional relationship co-dependent relationships are not the only types of dysfunctional relationship.  

Aloof Relationships

Our CAGE creates a desire to protect ourselves – in the co-dependent relationship his can lead to seeking validation by becoming who we think we need to be.  In the aloof relationships we create this safety through separation.

Dominant/Submissive Relationships

Our CAGE can also give us the view that in order to stay safe we need to control and dominate the people around us.  This will lead us into a relationship where we seek someone to dominate and will end up with someone who, unconsciously, wants to be dominated.  The submissive person may feel like they can’t operate in the world without someone telling them what to do – for them having someone else dictating may give a feeling of safety.

All these types of relationships, lead to limited growth expansion and joy or focus in these relationships isn't staying safe is in completing ourselves is fixing ourselves is trying to gain the parts that we believe are missing, we're operating from the space of our cage to stay safe and not from our spirit to create the relationship that brings us joy.

Sovereign Relationship

Our Spirit calls for a different type of relationship where both people stand in their own sovereignty.  Our Sprit knows that we are complete and that our essence is enough - there is nothing we need to do or be to create what we love, and that includes relationships.  I love the image of two trees whose roots grow closer and closer together until they are so entwined their roots cannot be separated - and yet they are two separate entities, each complete and able to stand on their own.

Imagine creating a relationship from a vision of what you would love as opposed to what you think you need or who you think you have to be.  Where you showed up as your true self as did your partner and you honor each other’s gifts and flaws. Where no-one needs fixing and you have no desire to change the other person.  Where you both take responsibility for your own happiness and supported each other in your growth and your creations knowing you are both whole and complete in your own right.  Where you work in partnership to create a relationship and a life that brings you both joy.

So, I invite you to take a moment to think about the different relationships in your life. Think about whether there is unconscious codependency, aloofness, or control and where in your life you have sovereign relationships?

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